A Farewell To Amah

When it rains, it really pours. Just when I thought nothing worse could happen to me, as experienced here and here, life throws another curve ball.

My Amah (grandmother), pictured above, is gone. And I can't stop the tears from flowing. She was my grandmother and caretaker for 20 years. She fed me, bathed me, and potty trained me. She dropped me off and picked me up at school. She hemmed my skirts and pants and restyled ill-fitting clothes for me. I slept in her bedroom throughout my teenaged years, not because I didn't have a choice but because I wanted to be beside her. She was my best friend. I was very sad to have left her when I moved to Canada.

Actually, my mind is a big black hole right now. I can't find the strength to think properly and write. I'm devastated that I can't even afford to fly back to the Philippines for her funeral because of our life / home reno situation. I feel like I've lost so much in life right now - my writing passion, my grandma, my house, my self.

Is this how it feels to slowly die of heartbreak? I NEED to get away. I NEED to go on a life pilgrimage. I NEED to shed all the pain that's inside me. It's not fair to the little one I am carrying inside me.

Dear Amah,
I will miss you. It hurts me that I won't be able to see your face one last time nor to hold your hand or hear your voice. But one thing I promise. I will love my daughter and this next one coming, the way you loved me, and I will draw strength from your 96 years of life. I am truly lucky to have known your comforting embrace.
Always,
Your Api